Jealous of You

My heart is getting darker each day.

I envy you, my friend.

Hi you.

What name did I gave you ? Can't seem to remember....
I shall call you Flower then.

Dear Flower.
Don't worry, its not a bad jealousy.
Honestly, I'm truly happy for you. You found the right (inshaAllah) pathway and I pray that it will lead you to the best of life.

Flower, you're a great deal in my life.
I may not said it.
I might not be able to say it.
But yes, you're a joy, a gift from Allah to me.

Flower,
what am I doing to myself?
I'm going through the destruction phase.
Morally, religiously, ethically, socially the whole me. I'm trying so hard to to be positive, but I'd ended up giving more excuses.
I've tried so hard to avoid maksiat, but I think I'm actually shortening the gaps towards it.

And the worst part?
I know the mistakes.

I tried so hard to not do the bad thing that I don't improve on doing the good things.

Flower,
please pray for me.